the flipside;

Okay, I think the other few reasons attributing to my gloominess are the looming exams (tomorrow!) and the prospect of not having sis around for the whole of next week. If both were to happen in separate occasions, I believe the dread I were to experience would be minimal, and not mounting as of now.

But nevertheless, I must remind myself that there's a flip side to everything. And that taking a more optimistic perspective would create a kind of imaginary bubble inside of me that can pull me through this seemingly tough week in a more positive manner (i.e I would not wallow and  mop around with a depressed face).

Firstly, while the exams commence tomorrow, I would have my last paper on Saturday morning, and no paper at all on Wednesday. Therefore, my exams only last for a week! A week! And we all know a week flies pass in a blink of an eye! Before I'd know it, my exams will be over, and I can spend more time doing stuff that I enjoy without feeling a constant burden that is weighing me down. Also, I have one paper each day, lasting for only two hours! So, it is actually going to be over as soon as I start, and university is such that, if you complete the paper before the given time and the one hour mark has passed, you can leave the examination room. If I were to find myself in such a situation (not sure if that means the paper is easy or too difficult for me to write anything), then I would find myself one paper down earlier! Furthermore, there will not be any paper on Wednesday, and I can study on Tuesday and the whole of Wednesday, and then go for bible study in the evening, which I believe is of great importance for me, both spiritually and mentally (definitely going to be a boost for me!). Before long, Saturday morning would have arrived, and by the time I'm heading for cell group at Daryl's place, I'd be a considerably happier person :D

And its a good thing that sis is going for her history Vietnam school trip; something that will truly enrich her learning. I mean, Vietnam has a rich and sad story, and the things she would learn and see over there; the orphanages (those affected by the Agent Orange), the development of Communist Vietnam after the long and treacherous Vietnam War etc. Wow, she'd enjoy herself so much! I would give anything to go visit Vietnam too! Sis and I talk a lot with each other as well, especially at night, where we will share our thoughts and everyday happenings with each other at the dining table, in our room, on the sofa... So maybe her one week school trip will enable me to concentrate on my studies better, and that I would not be distracted to strike up another chit chat session with her. And as mentioned, a week will pass by so fast, sis will be back on Sunday so quickly!

So yes! Looking at the flip side sure help me alleviate some of the dread that is forming around my chest area, and I know that I can lean on God for His divine Strength and Peace. Strange enough, remember my last post? About feeling so lost and sick about life, not knowing what to do? Pastor Phil Pringle's message today was like an answer to my question and confusion, and I know for sure that God was reading my blog. Haha. Of course, listening to Pastor Phil and feeling renewed, empowered and challenged is one thing; getting the momentum and go about looking for opportunities and breakthroughs is another. But I know and I know that  THAT is life. You cant just sit back, be passive and watch the world go by. You wont amount to anything at the end of your life if you just decide to be part of an audience. I really thank God so much for always throwing me a lifeline. He is indeed my life, my Salvation. 

Another thing that really lifted up my spirits was seeing my eyecandy in church today! Its not every Sunday that I can catch him around, so each time he serves at my cell group sitting area, I'm always so grateful. I mean, its not that I like him or anything, its just that its nice to look at him. I always remember how spotting my eyecandies back in my JC never fails to crack a smile on my face. Superficial??? Well, I think eyecandies are just you know, people that appeals to you and attracts your attention, and you just like to look at them, the way they behave, talk whatever. Just like how one likes to look at say, Steven Gerrard or Rupert Grint. Haha. You wouldnt exactly like the person in a romantic kind of way because you dont really know him/her but looking at him/her just makes you happy. Its similar to eating your favourite hokkien mee, hearing your favourite song or watching Liverpool play. It just makes you happy in a non-romantic kind of way. Haha. But I'd admit, the last eyecandy I had back in JC, well, it turned into a serious crush, but that's because I got to know the person already. Haha!

Okay, enough of blogging (really cathartic man!). Time to hit the power point slides again! Adios amigos :D

turtle,
21nov2010 825pm

clueless, very very clueless;

I have no idea what I want in life. I'm confused and very sick about it. I'm moving, but going nowhere. In circles I go, and I find myself back where I've started off. Or rather, I'm lost in a maze, unable to find my way out. Whichever route I take, it just looks the same as before. And I'm starting to panic, beginning to feel it fluttering away; hope.

I need a breakthrough. I need a new breath of air. I need to know my niche; what I'm good at, and what I enjoy doing. I'm sick and tired of doing things like a blind man, like there's a veil shrouded over my vision; I dont know what I'm doing, and why I'm doing what I'm doing. I'm beginning to lose my sense of purpose. And its making me jaded, causing me to feel so inadequate about myself.

I dont want to be another burden to society; dont want to be a parasite sucking off the limited resources of Mother Earth. I know I'm meant for something greater, that I have a larger destiny than what I have now.

I. just. need. to. find. it.

And not give up even when my head tells me too.

God, please help me.

turtle,
19nov2010 10:37pm

i want to marry ronald weasley;

Today was Menglan's and Shaoyong's ROM at this serene and tranquil place, deep within the rural area of Kranji. Menglan said that it is a country club, and I must say, it is really a unique one. The whole place looks like a page out of a holiday brochure of Bali; with trees, plants, and interesting artifacts decorating the area. What I really love about the venue was the intimacy with nature that it brings to people, and I thought it was a great place to hold her ROM.

Menglan and Shaoyong looked absolutely wonderful today, and the vows they exchanged was really touching;

"..I give you my hand, my heart and my love. I eagerly anticipate the chance to grow old together, getting to know the women/man you will become and falling in love a little more everyday.."

Menglan was stunning in her gown, which suits her sweet, petite style perfectly. And she was taller than me today because of her heels! Jingwen looked gorgeous too, and this cute friend of mine totally plunged herself high into the air to catch the bouquet of flowers that Menglan threw! I tell you, she is going to be one of the most happening bridesmaid in the world. Haha.

Its indeed an amazing feeling and experience to see your good friend tying the knot. I pray that they would be happy together, and that the love they have for each other would weather them through the storms of life, and that this love would be boundless, sacrificing and unconditional.

As we speak of love, I'm reminded of another great love of mine, and that is Harry Potter! The Harry Potter books and movies have been very much part of my life (basically it revolved around HALF of my life), as I kind of grew up with it. The books are one of the best I've ever laid hands on and reading it over and over again never fails to captivate me. It is just so amazing how the books touched my life in such a deep way.

So, how did I came across J.K Rowling books? Well, it was a twist of fate really. I've always enjoyed reading books since young (Babysitters' Club, Sweet Valley High etc). For my 11th birthday, daddy brought me to Borders because he wanted to get me a book for my birthday present. He spotted the Harry Potter series (then it was the only first 4 books) and he told me that these books seemed interesting, and that maybe I would like to get it. I took one good look at the Harry Potter books on the rotating shelf, scrunched up my face in distaste and said no way! If I were to teleport back now to say hello to the 11 years old me, I would have slept her hard! So in the end, I got this nonfiction book on Egyptians and their secrets on building the pyramids. That abysmal decision robbed me off more time to discover the magical world of Harry Potter :(

But then a few months after, dad bought Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone vcd home for us to watch. I did not expect much from the movie at all, but immediately when the movie began, I got so hooked and captivated by it, I actually dreamed about it that very night. The movie was the very beginning of my obsession with Harry Potter. I was dying to read the books, and I was overjoyed when I found out that a bookshop on my way home from school was actually selling the Harry Potter books. Can you imagine how meager a Primary Five kid's pocket money is? I actually save up bit by bit just to buy the second, third and fourth installments of Harry Potter. I still remember the excitement that was bubbling in me when I finally saved enough to buy Chambers of Secrets, and how I plunged myself straight into the book, feeling so belonged in the world of witches and wizards.

Dad bought the subsequent three books for me, because it was like fifty over bucks when it was first released into the bookstores, and I am certainly not going to wait for the price to drop before purchasing them to read and I am definitely not going to borrow the books from people to read, because I want the books to be mine when I read them so that it will be more special and significant to me. So I brought the books to class and read them under the table, totally oblivious to the teachers' droning voices and my classmates' chatter. Haha.

The Harry Potter movies also captivated me as much, and I forgive the directors for not being able to follow the storyline as closely as that of the books, because really, the plot of the books is complicated and it twists and turns alot, and if you were to put every single scene into the movie, it would probably get too draggy and confusing. I love the movies because of the ability of the director to bring the magical world of Hogwarts into "reality'. Seeing Diagon Alley as it is on the big screen really gave me goosebumps (in a good way of course), and watching the Quidditch game really blew my mind away. I mean, when I read the books, I imagine all these scenes, actions and characters in my mind. And seeing them in flesh and material on screen kind of make my imagination more real in a sense. Of course, there were times when I got disappointed because they miss out a scene I thought was important, or the actors playing the characters just dont look like the part. But all in all, the movies are still awesome and as Barney would proclaim, LEGENDARY! And I am anticipating Deathly Hallows so much so that I am pretty emotional about it and am finding myself talking and thinking alot about Harry Potter.

 My favourite character in Harry Potter to date is not Harry Potter, but Ronald Weasley, or more famously known as Ron. Having flaming red hair is definitely a pull factor for one. Haha. But more than that, Ron is a loyal friend with truly a kind heart. Yes, he may be immature and his words may lack tact most of the time, but it is very much so because he is the youngest male Weasley, and very often, he finds himself being overshadowed by his brothers, Harry Potter and even Hermione. All these leads him to feel very insecure and inadequate about himself. However, he tries very hard to downplay his negative self-image, and does his best in helping Harry through his trials and problems, even at the expense of his safety. Ron is also very humorous, and adopts a laid-back attitude when doing things, which reminds me of me!

While he may have fell out with Harry in at least two occasions, he always came back, apologised, and learn to be a better person and friend from there. Ron may also appear to be a little insensitive and mean to people at times, but deep down, he has a soft heart, and I guess he probably wants to hide that side of him because of his insecurity. You can tell from his concern with Scabbers his rat when it went missing, and his protectiveness towards Ginny his little sister. I guess why I like Ron so much is because despite his obvious flaws, he does not let them get the better of him, and he strives to be a better and more responsible person each time. As the story progresses, you can tell how Ron slowly matures into a man, still funny and nonsensical at times, yes, but then, he begins to take charge of situations and his emotions better. I guess Ron is the epitome of a real growing teenager, who is discovering the importance of friendship and loyalty, struggling with peer pressure in school, experiencing the negativity of insecurities and learning to be responsible for things in life through trials and error.

I used to wish and pray for a letter from Hogwarts to find its way into my mailbox. Now at twenty, I've long since given up hope. But deep down in me, I still believe that the world of Harry Potter actually exists! I know it sounds silly, but each time I read the books, I cant help but feel how real each characters are.

I could really go on and on about Harry Potter, but its getting really late, so I'd sign off here. I hope I wont cry during the movie tomorrow! Haha.

P.S If there's a guy I want to marry, it would be Ron Weasley. I hate you Hermoine, you're so lucky!

turtle,
18nov10,1245am

wedding bells a-ringing & when's my turn;

My good friend of eight years is getting married this Wednesday! Menglan and I have known each other since primary 6, and we became close friends because we had to do a school project together, and later on, when we were in the same class during our secondary one and two years.

When I was in primary five, I've heard lots of interesting stories about her from other classes. Stories like how fierce she was, and how she does not let anybody cross her, and therefore, my impression of her was really bad. So, when we got into the same class in primary six, I strike her off immediately as a friend! Haha. That was one of my earliest lessons in life; do not be quick to judge, and that every story has its bias.

She became a really good friend of mine, and we got closer in my lower secondary days. Yes, she's fierce, no doubt about that, but she's definitely not a bully. She stands up for her friends and I would think her best quality is her loyalty. We formed a large clique back in school, about ten or so girls from my class, and we self termed our clique as a family. Menglan was my son, and Jingwen was her wife. That makes Jingwen my daughter-in-law! Haha. Those were carefree days indeed.

I remember once, another good friend of mine, Yuting, got into trouble and was suspended from school. It was because of a really stupid thing. She got into an argument with another boy from my class, and the boy hit her with a rolled up newspaper. She retaliated by hitting the guy back with her newspaper on his head. Lo and behold! The boy cried and ran to complain to the principal! And the principal meted out her punishment, deciding that suspension from school was the best for a secondary one girl, who was firstly assaulted by the boy, and who was probably defending herself against him. The whole suspension thing was obviously lame. Imagine sentencing a pickpocket to twenty years of prison and five strokes of cane.

So, during our chinese lesson (we had this super irritating and unreasonable chinese teacher eeew!), the teacher was going on and on about how Yuting deserved it. Can you imagine the injustice the girls felt, especially when the boy was sitting at his desk, with a supposedly innocent look plastered on his face? Disgusting. Menglan could not take it anymore, and she blasted at the teacher. Of course, a war of words ensued between them both, and I remembered being caught between dismal and awe. Well, in then end, Menglan was being sent to stand at the back of the class, and she was holding back her tears of frustration with great determination. This is one of those times when you know how much Menglan values her friends, because she would still stand up for them, even at her own expense.

I know the respect her peers have for her, boys and girls alike. While her strong character may push some guys away, it also attracted a long queue of suitors. Haha. And I am just so happy for her that she has finally found the right guy who would love and treasure her.

When I first saw Shaoyong and her together, I notice the way they would hold onto each other and would talk to each other. And it was then that I knew how in love they were, and it gave me this very warm and fuzzy feeling inside. So even though I was taken aback by her wedding announcement (and was in a state of pleasant surprise for the next few days), I was simply overjoyed and very excited for her.

When your peers get married, it will be like "Oh no, I cant believe it!" and then you will start pondering and discussing the time when its your turn. I've been through different phases in my life; phase one, where my dream is to get married to a great man and start a wonderful family with him and have lots of kids. Phase two, where I thought staying single is probably for the best; Phase three, not marriage, no thanks, with strings attached and all; cohabitation would be ideal. But of course, I've walked right out of phase three and will not be going back there. Haha.

I've been thinking of the kind of man I want to marry and spend the rest of my life with. And guess what? I think if that person came to pass, I would have married... myself! I want someone who loves soccer and supports Liverpool, whose ideal form of date is outdoor sports, like cycling, rollar-blading, and exploring Singapore by bus and on foot. Who wants to visit India and Africa for his honeymoon. Who is equally crazy about Harry Potter, and who is equally crazy about having five children too! Whose love language is quality time and physical touch. Who loves reading, and enjoys singing and dancing! The list goes on, and its basically myself in Mr. form! Haha. Anyway, whatever is it, I'll just leave it to God's hands. Chances are, I'd get married to someone who is a total opposite of me, because they say, unlike poles attract!

As for Menglan, gonna miss her when she leaves for the States with Shaoyong for two years. And I hope her garden wedding this Wednesday will be a perfect one for the both of them. It is going to be the start of a wonderful life together, and I cant wait for little menglans and shaoyongs in the future! :D

Footnote: I have not yet picked out a pink dress for her themed wedding :(

turtle,
15nov10,1114pm

we are all sad people;

My old blog is still existing in some corner of cyberspace, but I've decided to create a new one, just to mark the milestone of turning twenty. So, I thought, new blog, happy start right? No. I've since come to the conclusion that writing is cathartic, especially so when you're feeling an overload of emotions so raw and pain. Recently, I've felt the increasing need to pen down my thoughts, because I'm experiencing this overwhelming wave of emotions. Its like a roller-coaster ride, really. I'll be happy and excited in the morning, and two seconds later, I'll be feeling frustrated and impatient with almost everything.

I know I've yet to recover from ahma's death, and I guess that's the main contributing factor to my erratic state of emotions. I miss her so much, sometimes I wish my life could be set in a fast forward motion so I could see her again. I know losing someone so dear is never an easy thing, and when the doctors told us to prepare ourselves for the inevitable, I thought maybe, it would not be so bad. Seeing her suffering on the hospital bed, oblivious to her surroundings and taking such big, heavy difficult breaths, there was a part of me that wanted her to just go, because it just pains my heart to see her suffer, with no means of calling out for help or comfort.

But when we receive the news that she passed away, just an hour after dad and I left her bedside, it hit me so hard, I could not think and all I could say was "oh no oh no whyyy", and it was impossible to stop crying. Dad raced sis and I to the nursing home, and we got into the "cold room" just in time to see the nurses transferring her to another bed. I would never ever forget that scene. Of her, lying so silently in her favourite green sequinned outfit on the bed, as though she was sleeping. Her mouth was opened though, because of her heavy breathing before she died. Dad knelt down beside her bed and cried in a way that ripped my heart.

They kept her there until my aunts and uncles came down, and til the funeral van came to pick her up for the embalming. I could not stop holding her hands, and kissing her face, because I knew I would never have the chance to do so anymore. There was not a single dry eye in the room. My maid rushed down in a taxi with a blown up funeral portrait of her in her younger days. She was so beautiful.

The funeral lasted for five days, and it was one of the most amazing experience I've ever been through. Grief was inevitable, but there was more. Seeing the big group of Seah family united over this trying period helped lessen the pain in a very significant way. There were some sense of peace and comfort too, as we folded the paper money and chatted over the night. But at the same time, you can sense the dread as the days ticked by.

Ahma looked so different in the coffin; it was her, but she didnt look like her. too. The glass separating her body from our touch seems like the longest distance I've experienced, out of reach from someone whom I love so much. All of us kept going back to the coffin, to look at her, to settle for touching the glass as we could no longer touch her. Sometimes, because of the reflection of the lights, it looked as though she's alive. But it was never scary; there was only a sense of utmost longing.

The last day was the most painful. When they close the coffin, I felt that my heart was being wrenched out. The big group of us stood infront of the coffin, and at my eldest uncle's instructions, we sang "shi shang zhi you mama hao", and two of her favourite hokkien and chinese songs. Singing the two songs made me cry so hard, for I was reminded of her cute actions that always accompany her singing. Every voice shook while we sang, and it was so difficult to sing when you're so sad, but we pushed and sang even louder. Oh, the pain, the grief, the love, the strength.

At mandai, we put beautiful flowers on her coffin. I hope she's happy, because flowers and plants are her favourite things. She loves watering the pots of cactus and money plants we used to keep at home. I almost sat out of her cremation, because I didnt think I would be strong enough for it. But I knew I had to company her through her last journey, and that she would have wanted me to be there too. Her coffin was slowly rolled along the conveyor belt, towards the furnace. The screams and wails were so raw; mother! ahma! ah zou (great grandma)! And just like that, ashes to ashes, dusts to dusts. Strangely, I felt a sense of surreal peace that overcame me, and found myself breathing lighter than before.

We went back after two hours for her bones (yes, it was brittle bones, not really ashes) to bring it to the temple. When I saw the bones in a small container, I could only think "That is left of ahma", and it couldnt be real! It was hard to reconcile the fact that she was flesh and blood and warm five days ago, and now, it was just inanimate bones.

We reached the temple and have her bones put into her urn with some of her favourite jewelery, and then placed her urn beside ah gong's. Years ago, dad was telling me that the empty urn beside ahgong was reserved for ahma, so that they could be together after ahma passed away. I remembered crying and feeling so scared that day. I didnt want my ahma to die.

My ahma is the most imperfect woman when she was younger; she's the epitome of an empress dowager you see on chinese tv dramas. But she loves us so much, and always take such good care of me since I was a baby. As she grew older, her tyrannical ways toned down so much, everybody found her so cute and endearing. Ahma likes to scold me because she said I'm always irritating her. I love smacking kisses all over her face like a million times in a day, love pinching her chubby cheeks, and snuggling next to her on a small bed to chat with her. In all my twenty years, she has always been there, playing such a significant role. And all of a sudden, she's gone and its really like you've lost a part of yourself.

I miss her so much everyday. Even as I'm typing this entry, I'm sitting in her room. The adults had since throw away her bed, and much of her possessions. They said it was the chinese tradition to throw away the things of old people who've passed on. At least the curtains are the same. She used to ask me if I would still dare to enter and sleep in her room when she dies. Here I am now, everyday, hoping to sense even a little hint of her presence. I dream of her quite often, of her alive, of her funeral, of her talking to me... And I wish, oh how I wish, I could kiss her and tell her how much I love her once more, and to hear her voice calling my name in return. I think of her everyday, everywhere I go, and I take it that the growing healthy green plants in her room is a sign that she is happy up there in heaven.

Its a weird thing. I would want to see her photos because I miss her, and would then cry when I see them, and not want to see her photos anymore because I dont want to be sad, but would want to see her photos again because I miss her. I used to make her promise me that she would live to a hundred years old, so that she could witness my graduation from nus, my marriage, and have fun with my children. All I can hope now is that she will be able to see my future achievements from heaven and be proud of me.

Death is cruel, that I am sure. There's nothing comforting or good about it really, even when people say "oh, she's suffering, at least she's off to a better place now." Cause this world is really a better place, if ahma is still with us.  And I'm sure she would want to be with us too. I miss her with a fierce longingly.

But her death makes me realise the need to fight and care for the people I love, and to treasure them with an even greater desire, because we truly take the people around us for granted. I dont know how long my grieving period will last, how long more before I'd feel stronger emotionally. But I guess this is one of life's many lessons, and I'd just have to walk through it. I'm not alone.

you'll live in my heart forever

  

turtle,
15nov10, 230am