once again;

This blog has been dormant for 3 years. As much as I love writing, I guessed I must have found it a chore to continue logging in entries of my life. My friend, Xian Wen, has re-started her blog and this must have influenced me somehow, for I found myself signing into blogger for the first time in 3 years. I read my past few entries and remembered how writing had allowed me to transform my thoughts, emotions and experiences into words. Seeing those words being typed out one by one gave me a feeling of release and comfort. On top of them, it helped me to ponder and rethink certain beliefs and ideas I have in my head. The best part however, is to relieve my experiences all over again, the good and the bad. The good to smile and laugh upon, the bad to help me remember that life is all about moving forward and nothing bad lasts forever.

I'm a better person now. I'm more positive, more proactive, but I could really use help in the department of laziness haha. So much to write, so little time. Exams are looming ahead, and I have a love-hate relationship with studying. I better strap myself down to the chair and switched off the computer. If not, I can imagine myself programmed into 'panic mode' the week before exams, without having done any revision at all. I may visit you again blogger. We shall see :)


turtle,
6may2013, 9:00pm

uploading photos to facebook needs patience;

A LOT OF PATIENCE.

Hahah.

MERRY XMAS TO EVERYONE!

(assuming there's indeed people out there reading my blog!)

 So anyways, I am now in the tiresome but somewhat fulfilling process (fulfilling ONLY when the photos are up) of uploading my Bali photos onto facebook! I've been trying to upload the photos the whole of yesterday night, and part of the morning today, but my desktop keeps shutting down on me. Its teetering on the brink of a complete breakdown. But desktops are always faster when it comes to uploading stuff! So, I thought maybe, just maybe, after the first few subsequent sudden "shutting down without any warning" thing, the desktop would revert back to its normal working mode. Oh how wrong was I! In the end, I just gave up the whole project. Now, on early xmas morning, I am having this urge once again to upload the photos to facebook. Just get it done and over with, I tell myself. Alas, here am I, waiting as the laptop uploads the first 185 photos at snail's pace. So I've decided to drop by blogger, and blog some random stuff to pass time. And I've just checked! Only 60/185 photos uploaded! Patience Turtle, patienceeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

Maybe I should watch 17 again while waiting. My sister was watching it today on her laptop, and I remembered enjoying myself quite a lot while catching that movie in the theatres. I don't fancy Zac Efron. Yeah yeah, he's got this set of beautiful, piercing blue eyes. But other than that, he looks pretty plastic to me. I know he hasn't went under the knife and all that, but his features seemed to me like its all botox and silicon and whatever. But its still a pretty good show to relax and laugh!

And guess what? I've just restarted the whole uploading process again. Exasperated! Something to do with the web page being out of memory or something. Pek chek you know, pek chek!

I want to ride a rollar coaster now. Or go for a bungee jump. Or go scuba diving. Please let me at least achieve the last two before I die. Sometimes I wish I could just walk away, from this life, and travel the world at my most minimal, doing all the things that nobody in Singapore would ever do. But I know I can't. There's so many people I have to account, and there's a community I want to contribute to as well. And there's this huge part of me that starts with the capital S. Sentimental. And I know it would be almost impossible for me to just take off and leave my family and friends behind. Sometimes I wonder what kind of person would I turn out to be if I were raised up in a different culture and environment (think West).

Okay, I could just go on and on randomly, so I think I'll most certainly watch 17 again AGAIN, now. Can they quickly make a movie where Tayler Lautner stars as the protagonist? Thank you very much!

P.S. My study table is crawling with little red ants. Some crawl here, some crawl there. I don't know where they all come from, and they're starting to annoy me, cause every now and then, I would have to stop typing and lift my finger to press down hard on them and kill them. PEST.

turtle,
25dec2010, 3:20am

beautiful bali & what it did not deserve;

So here I am at 1 in the morning blogging away on daddy's laptop and having mosquitoes feast on my already bitten skin (since day one). Bali has been great so far, and I'm feeling a little down at the prospect of departing for home. I would really love to have more time at hand to explore this wonderful island of Indonesia. Oka, our driver, told us that many Australians actually travel and stay here for at least a month. They really dig this place. I mean, Aussie is already this beautiful country with great weather, breath-taking scenery and clean beaches with huge waves. But these people still find themselves coming back over and over again, which goes to show that there is just something so appealing- a pull factor, that makes people fall in love with this place.

Since it is like our last day, we all went shopping. And I must say, all the Seah ladies were more than satisfied with our haul. In the evening, we went to Kuta Beach/Square, and we first visited Ground Zero, where the 12th October 2002 Bali Bombing occur. They built this beautiful memorial for those who lost their lives, and the area of destruction has become a carpark. I didn't know THAT many lost their lives. I did a quick google search, and found out that 202 people were killed, 38 of whom were Indonesian citizens, the rest being foreigners, Western tourists on holidays. And there was a substantial number of whom were seriously injured as well.

I was standing in front of the memorial, trying to make out the names of those killed. And my blood kind of went cold, and I got pretty affected and upset by it. It, being that what gives these terrorists the right to take away innocent lives, and bring about chaos in a place where peaceful people live. Can you imagine the fear and confusion that had taken place that very night?

Happy people were partying, chilling away with their friends. The Indonesians working were working hard for their wages to feed themselves and their families. Tourists walking by, enjoying themselves and feeling at peace with the world. And then, the bombs exploded. I cannot imagine the magnitude of the terror that swept through everybody, and the whole of Bali. Lives were lost, families torn apart, fears heightened, people no longer feel safe. All because of some warped mindset. I could see why the US is fighting hard in the war against terrorism.

I don't understand, don't understand at all. The point of striking fear and terror in people's heart. What good would it serve, except more hatred and misunderstandings. Bali did not deserve it. Nor India. Nor the US. Nor anybody for that matter.

And I realised, it can never be understood. At least from my point of view. Man are sinners. And with the wrong guidance, wrong teachings, wrong beliefs, evilness takes root. And Evil has its way of justifying its acts, which the rest of us are unable to comprehend. But again, that does not mean that it is not wrong. Terrorism, acts of terror; they are wrong. It is an act of evil; just like how Voldemort go about killing and hunting Muggle borns.

A part of me is angry, angry that these terrorists have a chance to wreck the peace of the world, and we know how fragile peace is. A part of me feels that the ground should just open up and swallow these people whole. Its just so scary to think that their random acts of terror could cause wave of fear everywhere. And the unfairness of it all.

But I believe ulitmately, the human spirit lingers on. People will take a deep breath, and rebuilt their lives once more. The history of bloodshed would still haunt them, but they would not let such acts call the shots in their country, for their people. There will be grief and days of mourning, but the human spirit, as one and as a community, will overcome. Man are sinners, yes. But there is a goodness in us all as well. And this goodness and strength will dominate in times of fear and confusion, and eventually, will triumph.

Dumbledore said something like evil can never be totally eradicated, but it can be kept at bay. And it certainly can be.

Kuta is bustling with life now, and if you're an ignorant fool who knows nuts about what had happened, you wouldnt have a clue (by judging the busyness and crowd there) what had happen before. People grit their teeth and move on. That's survival. That's the human spirit.

Visiting Bali has given me a new breath, another perception. And I thank God for this opportunity to come to know this place, even if its only a scoop of it.

turtle,
21dec2010, 2am

the flipside;

Okay, I think the other few reasons attributing to my gloominess are the looming exams (tomorrow!) and the prospect of not having sis around for the whole of next week. If both were to happen in separate occasions, I believe the dread I were to experience would be minimal, and not mounting as of now.

But nevertheless, I must remind myself that there's a flip side to everything. And that taking a more optimistic perspective would create a kind of imaginary bubble inside of me that can pull me through this seemingly tough week in a more positive manner (i.e I would not wallow and  mop around with a depressed face).

Firstly, while the exams commence tomorrow, I would have my last paper on Saturday morning, and no paper at all on Wednesday. Therefore, my exams only last for a week! A week! And we all know a week flies pass in a blink of an eye! Before I'd know it, my exams will be over, and I can spend more time doing stuff that I enjoy without feeling a constant burden that is weighing me down. Also, I have one paper each day, lasting for only two hours! So, it is actually going to be over as soon as I start, and university is such that, if you complete the paper before the given time and the one hour mark has passed, you can leave the examination room. If I were to find myself in such a situation (not sure if that means the paper is easy or too difficult for me to write anything), then I would find myself one paper down earlier! Furthermore, there will not be any paper on Wednesday, and I can study on Tuesday and the whole of Wednesday, and then go for bible study in the evening, which I believe is of great importance for me, both spiritually and mentally (definitely going to be a boost for me!). Before long, Saturday morning would have arrived, and by the time I'm heading for cell group at Daryl's place, I'd be a considerably happier person :D

And its a good thing that sis is going for her history Vietnam school trip; something that will truly enrich her learning. I mean, Vietnam has a rich and sad story, and the things she would learn and see over there; the orphanages (those affected by the Agent Orange), the development of Communist Vietnam after the long and treacherous Vietnam War etc. Wow, she'd enjoy herself so much! I would give anything to go visit Vietnam too! Sis and I talk a lot with each other as well, especially at night, where we will share our thoughts and everyday happenings with each other at the dining table, in our room, on the sofa... So maybe her one week school trip will enable me to concentrate on my studies better, and that I would not be distracted to strike up another chit chat session with her. And as mentioned, a week will pass by so fast, sis will be back on Sunday so quickly!

So yes! Looking at the flip side sure help me alleviate some of the dread that is forming around my chest area, and I know that I can lean on God for His divine Strength and Peace. Strange enough, remember my last post? About feeling so lost and sick about life, not knowing what to do? Pastor Phil Pringle's message today was like an answer to my question and confusion, and I know for sure that God was reading my blog. Haha. Of course, listening to Pastor Phil and feeling renewed, empowered and challenged is one thing; getting the momentum and go about looking for opportunities and breakthroughs is another. But I know and I know that  THAT is life. You cant just sit back, be passive and watch the world go by. You wont amount to anything at the end of your life if you just decide to be part of an audience. I really thank God so much for always throwing me a lifeline. He is indeed my life, my Salvation. 

Another thing that really lifted up my spirits was seeing my eyecandy in church today! Its not every Sunday that I can catch him around, so each time he serves at my cell group sitting area, I'm always so grateful. I mean, its not that I like him or anything, its just that its nice to look at him. I always remember how spotting my eyecandies back in my JC never fails to crack a smile on my face. Superficial??? Well, I think eyecandies are just you know, people that appeals to you and attracts your attention, and you just like to look at them, the way they behave, talk whatever. Just like how one likes to look at say, Steven Gerrard or Rupert Grint. Haha. You wouldnt exactly like the person in a romantic kind of way because you dont really know him/her but looking at him/her just makes you happy. Its similar to eating your favourite hokkien mee, hearing your favourite song or watching Liverpool play. It just makes you happy in a non-romantic kind of way. Haha. But I'd admit, the last eyecandy I had back in JC, well, it turned into a serious crush, but that's because I got to know the person already. Haha!

Okay, enough of blogging (really cathartic man!). Time to hit the power point slides again! Adios amigos :D

turtle,
21nov2010 825pm

clueless, very very clueless;

I have no idea what I want in life. I'm confused and very sick about it. I'm moving, but going nowhere. In circles I go, and I find myself back where I've started off. Or rather, I'm lost in a maze, unable to find my way out. Whichever route I take, it just looks the same as before. And I'm starting to panic, beginning to feel it fluttering away; hope.

I need a breakthrough. I need a new breath of air. I need to know my niche; what I'm good at, and what I enjoy doing. I'm sick and tired of doing things like a blind man, like there's a veil shrouded over my vision; I dont know what I'm doing, and why I'm doing what I'm doing. I'm beginning to lose my sense of purpose. And its making me jaded, causing me to feel so inadequate about myself.

I dont want to be another burden to society; dont want to be a parasite sucking off the limited resources of Mother Earth. I know I'm meant for something greater, that I have a larger destiny than what I have now.

I. just. need. to. find. it.

And not give up even when my head tells me too.

God, please help me.

turtle,
19nov2010 10:37pm

i want to marry ronald weasley;

Today was Menglan's and Shaoyong's ROM at this serene and tranquil place, deep within the rural area of Kranji. Menglan said that it is a country club, and I must say, it is really a unique one. The whole place looks like a page out of a holiday brochure of Bali; with trees, plants, and interesting artifacts decorating the area. What I really love about the venue was the intimacy with nature that it brings to people, and I thought it was a great place to hold her ROM.

Menglan and Shaoyong looked absolutely wonderful today, and the vows they exchanged was really touching;

"..I give you my hand, my heart and my love. I eagerly anticipate the chance to grow old together, getting to know the women/man you will become and falling in love a little more everyday.."

Menglan was stunning in her gown, which suits her sweet, petite style perfectly. And she was taller than me today because of her heels! Jingwen looked gorgeous too, and this cute friend of mine totally plunged herself high into the air to catch the bouquet of flowers that Menglan threw! I tell you, she is going to be one of the most happening bridesmaid in the world. Haha.

Its indeed an amazing feeling and experience to see your good friend tying the knot. I pray that they would be happy together, and that the love they have for each other would weather them through the storms of life, and that this love would be boundless, sacrificing and unconditional.

As we speak of love, I'm reminded of another great love of mine, and that is Harry Potter! The Harry Potter books and movies have been very much part of my life (basically it revolved around HALF of my life), as I kind of grew up with it. The books are one of the best I've ever laid hands on and reading it over and over again never fails to captivate me. It is just so amazing how the books touched my life in such a deep way.

So, how did I came across J.K Rowling books? Well, it was a twist of fate really. I've always enjoyed reading books since young (Babysitters' Club, Sweet Valley High etc). For my 11th birthday, daddy brought me to Borders because he wanted to get me a book for my birthday present. He spotted the Harry Potter series (then it was the only first 4 books) and he told me that these books seemed interesting, and that maybe I would like to get it. I took one good look at the Harry Potter books on the rotating shelf, scrunched up my face in distaste and said no way! If I were to teleport back now to say hello to the 11 years old me, I would have slept her hard! So in the end, I got this nonfiction book on Egyptians and their secrets on building the pyramids. That abysmal decision robbed me off more time to discover the magical world of Harry Potter :(

But then a few months after, dad bought Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone vcd home for us to watch. I did not expect much from the movie at all, but immediately when the movie began, I got so hooked and captivated by it, I actually dreamed about it that very night. The movie was the very beginning of my obsession with Harry Potter. I was dying to read the books, and I was overjoyed when I found out that a bookshop on my way home from school was actually selling the Harry Potter books. Can you imagine how meager a Primary Five kid's pocket money is? I actually save up bit by bit just to buy the second, third and fourth installments of Harry Potter. I still remember the excitement that was bubbling in me when I finally saved enough to buy Chambers of Secrets, and how I plunged myself straight into the book, feeling so belonged in the world of witches and wizards.

Dad bought the subsequent three books for me, because it was like fifty over bucks when it was first released into the bookstores, and I am certainly not going to wait for the price to drop before purchasing them to read and I am definitely not going to borrow the books from people to read, because I want the books to be mine when I read them so that it will be more special and significant to me. So I brought the books to class and read them under the table, totally oblivious to the teachers' droning voices and my classmates' chatter. Haha.

The Harry Potter movies also captivated me as much, and I forgive the directors for not being able to follow the storyline as closely as that of the books, because really, the plot of the books is complicated and it twists and turns alot, and if you were to put every single scene into the movie, it would probably get too draggy and confusing. I love the movies because of the ability of the director to bring the magical world of Hogwarts into "reality'. Seeing Diagon Alley as it is on the big screen really gave me goosebumps (in a good way of course), and watching the Quidditch game really blew my mind away. I mean, when I read the books, I imagine all these scenes, actions and characters in my mind. And seeing them in flesh and material on screen kind of make my imagination more real in a sense. Of course, there were times when I got disappointed because they miss out a scene I thought was important, or the actors playing the characters just dont look like the part. But all in all, the movies are still awesome and as Barney would proclaim, LEGENDARY! And I am anticipating Deathly Hallows so much so that I am pretty emotional about it and am finding myself talking and thinking alot about Harry Potter.

 My favourite character in Harry Potter to date is not Harry Potter, but Ronald Weasley, or more famously known as Ron. Having flaming red hair is definitely a pull factor for one. Haha. But more than that, Ron is a loyal friend with truly a kind heart. Yes, he may be immature and his words may lack tact most of the time, but it is very much so because he is the youngest male Weasley, and very often, he finds himself being overshadowed by his brothers, Harry Potter and even Hermione. All these leads him to feel very insecure and inadequate about himself. However, he tries very hard to downplay his negative self-image, and does his best in helping Harry through his trials and problems, even at the expense of his safety. Ron is also very humorous, and adopts a laid-back attitude when doing things, which reminds me of me!

While he may have fell out with Harry in at least two occasions, he always came back, apologised, and learn to be a better person and friend from there. Ron may also appear to be a little insensitive and mean to people at times, but deep down, he has a soft heart, and I guess he probably wants to hide that side of him because of his insecurity. You can tell from his concern with Scabbers his rat when it went missing, and his protectiveness towards Ginny his little sister. I guess why I like Ron so much is because despite his obvious flaws, he does not let them get the better of him, and he strives to be a better and more responsible person each time. As the story progresses, you can tell how Ron slowly matures into a man, still funny and nonsensical at times, yes, but then, he begins to take charge of situations and his emotions better. I guess Ron is the epitome of a real growing teenager, who is discovering the importance of friendship and loyalty, struggling with peer pressure in school, experiencing the negativity of insecurities and learning to be responsible for things in life through trials and error.

I used to wish and pray for a letter from Hogwarts to find its way into my mailbox. Now at twenty, I've long since given up hope. But deep down in me, I still believe that the world of Harry Potter actually exists! I know it sounds silly, but each time I read the books, I cant help but feel how real each characters are.

I could really go on and on about Harry Potter, but its getting really late, so I'd sign off here. I hope I wont cry during the movie tomorrow! Haha.

P.S If there's a guy I want to marry, it would be Ron Weasley. I hate you Hermoine, you're so lucky!

turtle,
18nov10,1245am

wedding bells a-ringing & when's my turn;

My good friend of eight years is getting married this Wednesday! Menglan and I have known each other since primary 6, and we became close friends because we had to do a school project together, and later on, when we were in the same class during our secondary one and two years.

When I was in primary five, I've heard lots of interesting stories about her from other classes. Stories like how fierce she was, and how she does not let anybody cross her, and therefore, my impression of her was really bad. So, when we got into the same class in primary six, I strike her off immediately as a friend! Haha. That was one of my earliest lessons in life; do not be quick to judge, and that every story has its bias.

She became a really good friend of mine, and we got closer in my lower secondary days. Yes, she's fierce, no doubt about that, but she's definitely not a bully. She stands up for her friends and I would think her best quality is her loyalty. We formed a large clique back in school, about ten or so girls from my class, and we self termed our clique as a family. Menglan was my son, and Jingwen was her wife. That makes Jingwen my daughter-in-law! Haha. Those were carefree days indeed.

I remember once, another good friend of mine, Yuting, got into trouble and was suspended from school. It was because of a really stupid thing. She got into an argument with another boy from my class, and the boy hit her with a rolled up newspaper. She retaliated by hitting the guy back with her newspaper on his head. Lo and behold! The boy cried and ran to complain to the principal! And the principal meted out her punishment, deciding that suspension from school was the best for a secondary one girl, who was firstly assaulted by the boy, and who was probably defending herself against him. The whole suspension thing was obviously lame. Imagine sentencing a pickpocket to twenty years of prison and five strokes of cane.

So, during our chinese lesson (we had this super irritating and unreasonable chinese teacher eeew!), the teacher was going on and on about how Yuting deserved it. Can you imagine the injustice the girls felt, especially when the boy was sitting at his desk, with a supposedly innocent look plastered on his face? Disgusting. Menglan could not take it anymore, and she blasted at the teacher. Of course, a war of words ensued between them both, and I remembered being caught between dismal and awe. Well, in then end, Menglan was being sent to stand at the back of the class, and she was holding back her tears of frustration with great determination. This is one of those times when you know how much Menglan values her friends, because she would still stand up for them, even at her own expense.

I know the respect her peers have for her, boys and girls alike. While her strong character may push some guys away, it also attracted a long queue of suitors. Haha. And I am just so happy for her that she has finally found the right guy who would love and treasure her.

When I first saw Shaoyong and her together, I notice the way they would hold onto each other and would talk to each other. And it was then that I knew how in love they were, and it gave me this very warm and fuzzy feeling inside. So even though I was taken aback by her wedding announcement (and was in a state of pleasant surprise for the next few days), I was simply overjoyed and very excited for her.

When your peers get married, it will be like "Oh no, I cant believe it!" and then you will start pondering and discussing the time when its your turn. I've been through different phases in my life; phase one, where my dream is to get married to a great man and start a wonderful family with him and have lots of kids. Phase two, where I thought staying single is probably for the best; Phase three, not marriage, no thanks, with strings attached and all; cohabitation would be ideal. But of course, I've walked right out of phase three and will not be going back there. Haha.

I've been thinking of the kind of man I want to marry and spend the rest of my life with. And guess what? I think if that person came to pass, I would have married... myself! I want someone who loves soccer and supports Liverpool, whose ideal form of date is outdoor sports, like cycling, rollar-blading, and exploring Singapore by bus and on foot. Who wants to visit India and Africa for his honeymoon. Who is equally crazy about Harry Potter, and who is equally crazy about having five children too! Whose love language is quality time and physical touch. Who loves reading, and enjoys singing and dancing! The list goes on, and its basically myself in Mr. form! Haha. Anyway, whatever is it, I'll just leave it to God's hands. Chances are, I'd get married to someone who is a total opposite of me, because they say, unlike poles attract!

As for Menglan, gonna miss her when she leaves for the States with Shaoyong for two years. And I hope her garden wedding this Wednesday will be a perfect one for the both of them. It is going to be the start of a wonderful life together, and I cant wait for little menglans and shaoyongs in the future! :D

Footnote: I have not yet picked out a pink dress for her themed wedding :(

turtle,
15nov10,1114pm